Dr. Dobb's | Claire's Story and Other Tragedies

Claire's Story and Other Tragedies

A humourous look at Bill Gates's return to software development.

August 12, 2000
URL:http://www.drdobbs.com/windows/claires-story-and-other-tragedies/184404056

More verse from the self-proclaimed laureate of cyberspace.

Garbage collection

Our careless C++ girl Claire

Bashed out her brains upon the stair.

Java Johnson found her dead.

His emailed message quickly spread:

'The prospects for the build look bleak,

Claire's got another memory leak.'

Kindness to animals

Because he was an ignorant lout

The VB sub's eyes I punched out.

And when he dared to squawk once more

I killed him with a monitor.

My manager was firm with me:

'Next time don't use TFT.'

In Memoriam Borland

So.

Farewell then

Borland.

'Stock price

down again.'

That was your

Catchphrase.

Keith's Mum

Had a

Copy of

Sidekick for OS/2

On the shelf

For years.

But I don't

Think she ever

Opened

It.

Famous Usenet thread summarised

On Usenet a young Finn named Linus

Got involved in a flamefest most heinous.

Prof Tanenbaum howled:

'You're ambiguously voweled

So I'm awarding your OS B-minus.'

Single Scotch Lament

O Lara, wi' untim'rous breastie,

Thou gorgeous virtual Sassenach,

I'd fain nae leave thy tomb unraided.

Alas! Nae version 4 for Mac!

Precedents

One steamy day at NASA, whence they send ships to the stars,

They were cutting Ada modules for a stab at planet Mars.

Now Randy was a new guy, fresh transferred from Hubble

And at the crucial moment he had some finger trouble.

He poured gallons in his litres, he stood metres on his feet,

He pressed pascals in his psi, he mixed them up a treat.

So when the probe descended retro thrust was immaterial

Just because our Rand mixed SI units with imperial.

And the coloured girls go:

ISO, ISO, ISO 9000.

Charles Babbage was a proto nerd, lived in the age of steam,

To build a difference engine was his enduring dream.

With Ada Lovelace, cyber chick, he sought his powers to double,

But at the crucial moment they experienced finger trouble.

Charlie asked her 'Ready babe?' and Ada called back 'Yes'.

But as he turned the handle, the gearing snagged her dress.

Her crinolines were pulled half off, her ankles were uncovered.

Poor Charlie had a mental fit and never quite recovered.

And the coloured girls go...

There was a certain Doctor, you all know who I mean,

Who travelled throughout time and space upon the smaller screen.

He'd always land in quarries and must scrabble through the rubble

For when he'd dematerialised he'd get some finger trouble.

He'd lean back on the console and he'd say 'Hey Sarah Jane!

'I know I promised beaches but I've bungled it again.

'The co-ordinates were upside down, it's entirely the wrong globe here

'It's Metebelis III outside — do you get arachnophobia?'

And the coloured girls go...

When I got in this morning the file server was crawling.

A D-I-R took 30 secs, response was quite appalling.

I logged in at the console, my efforts to redouble,

You will have guessed what happened next: I had some finger trouble.

While I was in Explorer, due to unknown forces,

I accidentally pressed Delete and wiped out all the sources.

The backup is unreadable. Now before you get demented

Recall that, though disastrous, this is not unprecedented.

And the coloured girls go:

ISO, ISO, ISO 9000.

[Tenor sax solo.]

(Verity Stob apologises to Harry Graham, E J Thribb, Lenny the Limerick, Robert Burns and Lou Reed for pilfering their styles. And thanks Katie B and Mike P, for contributing the ISO 9000 chorus, a rare comfort in times of Audit.)