Verity is the pseudonym of a programmer based in the UK. She can be contacted at [email protected].
Ms. Stob was recently persuaded by a kind friend to watch Mike Leigh's film Topsy-Turvy on DVD, and now preaches Gilbert and Sullivan with the tiresome zest of the newly converted. And we seem to detect their influence in her work...
Patter Song
I'm admin of a porn site:
Pervy punters pull my pages down.
A mastermind of mark-up
Working hard to keep our poor renown.
Whichever is your browser
I make sure that I'm compatible.
I always keep the best stuff where
It isn't quite get-at-able.
To make the navigation mono-manual
Was not eas'ly done;
But this is what you must do to maintain
Your place in sleazy-dom.
On each PC that comes to see
I'm sure to leave a cookie file:
And this is how I track who is
A kinky kooky nookie-phile.
CHORUS:
On each PC that comes to see
He's sure to leave a cookie file:
And that is how he tracks who is
A kinky kooky nookie-phile.
To keep the GIF pics tiny
I must minimize the palette size:
On just one blonde, one brown, one black
And twenty pinks I compromise.
Our many net connections need
Broad-banded one direction feed;
We must have some redundancy
To satisfy selection speed.
I'm friends with all our "acting" crew,
Take meal breaks with a foxy pal,
(Sometime I'll ask her how it feels
To always make love through proxy wall.)
But some days I'm frustrated and
I can't help aggravating it:
It's me does all the work round here
Except the actual bonking bit.
CHORUS:
On some days he's frustrated and
He can't help aggravating it:
He does all the work round here
Except the actual bonking bit.
If you should want to see our wares —
I'm being hypothetical —
The law requires I check your age,
Though this is theoretical.
Don't think I've lost the techie touch.
I'm always scripting server-side.
Just thirty lines of Perl ensure
Your credit card is verified.
And though our first time prices are
Too good to be sustainable,
I'm shocked the lengths that cheats go
To attain the unattainable.
Please know we have "connections."
We've made sure we're not attackable.
Remember it's my firewall — not your arm —
That is uncrackable.
CHORUS:
Please know we have "connections."
We've made sure we're not attackable.
Remember it's my firewall — not your arm —
That is uncrackable.
As some day it may happen that some disk space I must gain:
I've got a little list — I've got a little list
Of apps and files and folders that really are a pain
I'll zap 'em without risk — I'll zap 'em without risk.
There's a certain audio player, puts its tendrils everywhere.
Its departure will leave silence and — guess what? — I just don't care.
The shareware e-mail monitor for IMAP and for POP,
What makes it so annoying is its window stays on top.
And what about those poxy progs that when closed won't desist?
I've got 'em on my list — they'll none of 'em be missed.
The background virus scanner slows my PC to a crawl,
I've got that on my list — I've got that on my list.
And heaps of buggy beta stuff that hardly works at all
I'll zap 'em without risk — I'll zap 'em without risk.
The alternative compiler that I meant to try some time,
I think its thirty days expired in 1999.
The magic disk resizer that I'm much too scared to use,
The spyware and the adware that installed itself by ruse,
And of course that bloody paper clip, to which I'll give a twist
The damn thing can't resist — the damn thing can't resist.
Verity Stob apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan for defiling "I am the very model of a modern Major-General" from The Pirates of Penzance, and the List song and "For He's Gone and Married Yum-Yum" from The Mikado. She also acknowledges the influence of Mr. Dick Van Dyke, whose performance in Mary Poppins has sustained her in many a dark hour.
DDJ
PC Maintenance
