Ten New Email Acronyms AABLAAUJA About As Likely As A Useful Java Applet. Example usage: He came straight out with it: 'your cheque is in the post'. AABLAAUJA! ARBIEA A Rotten Bill In Every Apple Example usage: I used to think that Sun was an independent company, but these days you have to remember there's ARBIEA. BWRCTPAM Back When RAM Cost Ten Pounds A Meg Example usage: Haven't seen a hairdo like that since BWRCTPAM. IMFTBHO In My Friend Tony Blairs Humble Opinion Example usage: You might think it's unfair but IMFTBHO it's a very generous deal. ITMA Information Technology Management Association Example usage: Good morning. I am your ITMA representative. Can I do you now, sir? IWSOCFW I Was Switching Off Channel Five When Example usage: IWSOCFW something rather good caught my eye. It was my reflection in the tube. OBTACC Overtaken By The ANSI C++ Committee Example usage: It has to be said this old 486 is not fast. In fact it's so slow its completely OBTACC. ROFL Rictus Of Fake Laughter Example usage: > They should be called Tarty Spice, Stupid Spice, Old Spice, Outer Spice and Spice O'Life ;-) ROFL! TLMBBO The Last Memphis Beta But One Example usage: Nah not since TLMBBO! Who wants Java support anyway? WMFTBS What My Friend Tony Blair Says Example usage: The DOS version is good enough? *You* might think that, but that's not WMFTBS. Ten Email Message Subjects Calculated To Make The Heart Sink Thank you for visiting the Inland Revenue website Re: Your Ever thought about retraining as a programmer? Important! Your virus checker software has nearly expired HotWired Says Hello Again Fwd: Fwd: Re: FW Re: Fwd - Reply Reply THIS IS NOT A SPAM == No Subject == Get out your PowerPoint! New light bulb jokes (8) ... Ten Great New Emoticons Notice how all the following emoticons are achieved with three or fewer punctuation characters. After seeing these, you will never want to use a dull old smiley again. VS. Improved happy smile, with contact lenses Swarm of bees Chelmsford bypass, eastern approach Robin Cooks Come hither smouldering glance Shetland pony, limping on front left You did say that pump was guaranteed mused the builder nude vicar (male) Quake troll monster nude vicar (female) Careful Dodi its stuck she breathed (Editors note. In the above section we appear to have been struck once more by our typesetters famous intermittent inability to set certain punctuation characters. We apologise for this problem, and hope that it has not in any way spoiled your enjoyment of Ms Stobs ingenious and amusing emoticons.) Ten pieces of advice one might give to an annoying Net neophyte Be sure to create your own website. Not only is it a fun way to while away the evenings, but everybody on the Internet will come and look at it and you will be famous. No, of course theres no stigma attached to CompuServe or AOL accounts. Be sure to cross-post to all the newsgroups that might be relevant its the only way to make yourself heard. Those new models are really great they always connect at 56 K. Its always a good idea to download the latest betas of the big browser packages. And be sure, when you create your own website, to include a photograph of yourself. Use Net phone systems to cut down on your telephone bills. If you find these graphical tools too hard to understand, switch to simpler text-based ones. Like sendmail. And youll find Linux makes a splendid cheap and cheerful OS on which to use them. Always download the contents of all the Usenet newsgroups. Otherwise you may miss something important. Ten Net Sayings and Proverbs One GIF, Two GIFs, Three GIFs, Four B*ggered if Im sitting here waiting any more. A wise man runs a quiet modem during working hours URLs Court (a trendy nickname for the World Wide Web). Half of Usenet is pouring scorn, the other half is doing the opposite. Sounding the last Trumpet. (Of someone who persists in using Windows 3.1, and is therefore obliged to continue to use a shareware TCP/IP stack.) Cache in hand pays for many a slow link. If you cant use words, use MIME No ping to Redmond means slow Transatlantic.No ping to Tucows: tech support frantic. No ping to Docklands: major Internet brownout.No ping to ISP: InterNics pulled the plug out. As useful as two-month-old milk, but not as tasty. (To describe a 9 MB file which is the remnant of an attempt to ftp a 10 MB .EXE over an unreliable slow link.) A rotten Bill in every Apple (Hey! Youve had that already! Be off with you Ed) |