Although it is the world's biggest software company, there are comparatively few celebrations of Microsoft and its products in verse. Verity Stob is perversely determined to put this right.
Vaudeville Song
[A pierrette sings:]
My dear old PC's not the latest model.
We've been together four years and a day.
Its Windows folder's choked with crummy DLLs,
Its registry is all in disarray.
Said Dave: 'You should upgrade it to 2000.'
He went and fetched a pretty silver disc.
'It won't be a chore,' cried he, as I stuck it in the drawer,
'A modern installation's without risk.'
But now:
How can I bust it more than it is busted?
I was doing very well 'til I got flustered.
I guessed a setting 'DHCP'; now I'm sure it's 'static',
From the moment that I made that choice, my PC got erratic.
Each time I look Explorer has abended.
The bloody thing now blue-screens unattended.
So I feel sick,
Please tell me quick,
If you've already sussed it.
For I mustn't bust it more than it is busted!
How can I bust it more than it is busted?
It's almost as if Win 2K has rusted.
I thought I saw the network once, but now it's gone away.
My PC has embarked upon a spiral of decay.
The noises from its soundcard come out fuzzy,
Last reboot Baby failed to find its SCSI! (Eeek!)
I'm going to cry.
I can't deny -
This should be done and dusted.
How did I bust it more than it was busted?
[The company:]
How could she bust it more than it was busted?
We suspect the CMOS mem'ry's ill-adjusted.
She's got a bunch of ISA cards with unknown Aye Are Queues.
Oh no! She's pulled the cover off! Look out! She'll blow a fuse!
We warned her that her efforts would be thwarted:
It happens that her mobo's not supported.
The silly bint
Won't take a hint
Frankly we're disgusted.
How could she bust it more than it was busted?
As a techie Verity won't cut the mustard.
How could she bust it more than it was busted?
Superego
My Desktop, My Documents,
My Network Places,
Computers Near Me.
My Faxes, My Favorites,
My Company Information.
My Outline, My Webs,
My Current Home Page,
My Pictures, My Preferences,
My Music, My Info,
My Computer Management Module,
My Computer,
WINDOWS ME!
Postcard from St Petersburg
They're fixing their firewalls down Microsoft Way -
Mikhail Asanovich hacked in with Serge.
Got in via home workers infected with QAZ.
'You'd think they'd do better than V90 RAS,'
Says Serge.
They're fixing their firewalls down Microsoft Way -
Mikhail Asanovich hacked in with Serge.
They l0phtcracked the passwords to reach the disk shares.
'Our Microsoft comrades are all dirty mares,'
Says Serge.
They're fixing their firewalls down Microsoft Way -
Mikhail Asanovich hacked in with Serge.
Stole the source code to Access, and Back Office too.
'It just won't compile below Warn Level 2,'
Says Serge.
They're fixing their firewalls down Microsoft Way -
Mikhail Asanovich hacked in with Serge.
The naming of variables attracted attention.
'In Russia we're calling this "Yankee Convention",'
Says Serge.
They're fixing their firewalls down Microsoft Way -
Mikhail Asanovich hacked in with Serge.
The Feds got involved to Serge's surprise,
'Smiert Spionam! Death to all Spies!'
Says Serge.
They're fixing their firewalls down Microsoft Way -
Mikhail Asanovich hacked in with Serge.
Microsoft claims it averted the worst,
'But I shouldn't run Whistler on April the first,'
Says Serge.
Appeal
Don't let's be beastly to Microsoft
If they must swallow the DOJ's bitter pill.
Though some of their business practices cause anger and dismay,
It's just their boyish enthusiasm carries them away.
We'll give our bucks to them
And explain the very crux to them:
The slightest thought of Netscape makes us ill.
We'll check we're licensed properly
To help preserve monopoly,
But don't let's be beastly to old Bill.
Don't let's be beastly to Microsoft
For life on the bleeding edge is all uphill.
Pity those poor C-sharpers, all worked up in a lather:
Eight manuals to be written but they mustn't mention 'Java'.
We'll toil for them
And burn the midnight oil for them -
It's always a pleasure to pick up another skill.
We'll flush our C code down the drain
Start over in 'D flat' again,
But don't let's be beastly to old Bill.
Don't let's be beastly to Microsoft
'Cos all its publications are a thrill.
We simply cannot think how MSJ could be made grander:
It surely wasn't us that called it 'dreary propaganda'.
It's very hard for them
And daily life is marred for them
If lots of people keep saying that Linux is brill.
We'll chuck those CDs in the bin -
They're Greek gifts from that naughty Finn -
But don't let's be beastly to old Bill.
Verity Stob wishes to apologise to AA Milne for 'Postcard from St Petersburg' (from 'Buckingham Palace') and to Noël Coward for 'Appeal' (from 'Don't let's be beastly to the Germans').
