…the base qualification, the BSY (‘Bill Says Yup’), may be obtained by taking and passing any single examination from the Learn Microsoft Good range of qualifications for IT professionals. However real developers, as opposed to low status tech supporters and those whose job mostly comprises installing things from floppy disk, will want to obtain the higher qualification, the BSYI (‘Bill Says Yes Indeedy’). This requires that candidates attempt and pass TWO examinations from the operating system papers, ie More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Windows Part 1 and More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Windows Part 2, plus TWO elective language papers, choose from: Visual C++ – A Fine and Friendly Compiler, FoxPro The Way To Go, Visual Basic – not just for Stupid People, MS Access Your Little Database Chum, SQL Server – How do you spell ‘Oracul’ anyway? and Difficult OLE Stuff for Real Keanos.
I’m in an exam. I’m in an exam! I’m thirty four. They shouldn’t be able to make you do exams after you are twenty five, except the ones you take in your dreams. I’ve retaken my Finals about two million times, haven’t we all? Somehow always discovering that the exam was to be held this very morning and here’s me, not having done any revision, because I didn’t know it was today.
I’ve had that dream the last four nights now, I suppose because I knew bloody well that it is today. No more dreaming, here I am in a real exam, just like I swore I never ever would be again; palms sweating, stomach churning, underwear mysteriously fitting in an odd way which makes it impossible to get comfortable, despite two supervised visits to the cloakroom to try to put my house in order. The supervisor is convinced I have concealed Inside OLE 2 Inside Stob’s Knickers. Consequently his halitosis is condensing on my NEC Multisync as he watches my every move with an intensity that would be unnerving, if I had any nerve left to un.
Of course, things have moved on since the prime of Ms Verity Stob. The exam is computer based, in fact it’s multiple choice. Oh yeah, I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking Chemistry O-Level: Which of the following is NOT an element? A) Iron B) Sodium C) Neon D) Oxygen E) Banana flavour. Calculators may be used, sporty-type candidates are encouraged to copy from brighter neighbours.
But this isn’t like that at all. Have a look at this one here:
Question 7: How does Windows NT detect errors? A) By having its API functions return an error code B) By having its API functions return illegal values – the programmer then calls a second function to obtain the error code C) By throwing an exception which the program can trap if it chooses D) By allowing independent third parties to write device drivers which run at ring 0 protection on Intel platforms.
Ok, so I have more or less eliminated D) from my enquiries. D) is the banana. Probably. But how the hell is one supposed to choose between A) B) and C)? What does ‘How does Windows NT detect errors?’ mean for God’s sake?
… successful completion of the exam, the newly qualified BSY will be sent their special Learn Microsoft Good Pak. This contains 1) a mass-produced certificate with facsimile signature of Bill Gates, 2) a special BSY plastic membership card, entitling the BSY to special BSY privileges, 3) a flyer for BSY Monthly, the magazine for persons who have passed their exams and wish to gloat at those who have not, 4) a special BSY buttonhole badge, a fallback if 2) above is lost or damaged or is insufficiently special, 5) a set of six CD-ROMs representing one month’s issue of the Microsoft Need-to-know Technical Knowledgenet Network Professional Knowledgebase Engine Roadmap, not to be confused with all the other Microsoft CDs you may have piling up around the office, to which, flushed by your success, we hope you will be persuaded to subscribe, 6) camera-ready artwork which the BSY may display on their business cards and stationery…
I wonder what that artwork looks like. Some sort of Microsoft corporate logo. An image of the terrestrial globe having the pips squeezed out of it by a gauntleted hand would do the job. Come on Verity – snap out of it. You are running out of time. Fifteen minutes left and you are staring at
Question 31) A VBX control is ported to an OLE control. How do you expect the performance of the OLE control to compare with the VBX? A) The VBX would be twice as fast as the OLE control B) The VBX would run at about the same speed as the OLE control C) One cannot predict whether the OLE control would run faster or slower D) The OLE control would run 20% to 30% faster E) the OLE control would run at least twice as fast.
What are you laughing at? Yes, of course the correct answer is E). Or rather, the answer required to earn the mark is E). Any hockey player can see that. It’s just that in my experience of about 25 OCX (all 16-bit) ports of VBX controls, every man jack of them ran like the last creature over the line in the 7:30pm at Walthamstowe. It offends me to answer an exam question untruthfully just to pass. Mind you, I’ve always done it (I think ‘How Green Was My Valley’ is a great novel because…). I suppose it is a bit late in the day to change policy.
Congratulations Ms Verity Stob: you have passed More Than You Ever Wanted To Know About Windows Part 1 with 870 points out of 1000. Please collect your certificate from your Nympho Prometric Representative on your way out.
Is that it? Is that really all? It is? O jour frabberjeais! Calleau! Callai! J’ai tu le Jaseroque! Goodbye Mr Supervisor, and may I recommend Listerine Brown in litre bottles. Ha ha, hee hee, that wasn’t so bad then. I could tackle a few more like that. I could soon mop up a BSYI. I take it all back about dear old Microsoft, bless their cotton socks. They’re quite right; it is important that professionals of my calibre are recognised… Hold on, what’s that? Surely it’s not a fire alarm?
Ah. The alarm clock.
