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Yocam hokum


Yocam hokum

Borland has changed its name to 'Inprise'.

Del Yoc-am’s accession

  1. And it came to pass that the sons of Kahn known as the Borland-ites, who dwelt in the valley of Scotts, were once more sore oppressed.
  2. For the Borland-ites had toiled many days and nights over Delphi, and had made it good. Yet the people thereabouts would try it not, saying: What kind of a thing is this Delphi? Is it Eye-tie-ite or something? We do better to buy things that are called Vi Su-Albahsic or Power or Bill-da or C++ or Enterprise, which art as the pie of the apple.
  3. Then the Borland-ites had toiled many days and nights over C++ Bill-da, and had made it reasonable. Yet the people thereabouts would try it not, saying: How does this help with our Java strategy?
  4. And to cap it all, the Mic-rosoftees of the north had encamped at the very entrance to the valley, whence they did ensnare Borland-ite programmers in nets, and dragged them off to Red Mond to eat them.
  5. Wherefore things looked pretty bleak, even by the standards of the Borland-ites.
  6. So the sons of Kahn decided to take unto themselves a new leader. For they spake amongst themselves saying: Whosoever we choose can’t make things any worse.
  7. Now one day there came unto their midst a man, whose name was Del Yoc-am. And the Borland-ites called out to this man: What knowest thou of the craft of software?
  8. And Yoc-am replied saying: Nothing. I’m a hardware guy, me.
  9. And the Borland-ites asked this man: So thou hast no desire to drop zillions on over-valued piles like Ash-Tontate, or launch truly hopeless packages like Object Builder, or plan to grow a huge hedge in the shape of Stonehenge?
  10. And Yoc-am replied saying: No indeedy.
  11. And the Borland-ites cried out in joy saying, Here is our new leader. And they carried him up the valley on their shoulders, and put him upon their throne, and put on his back the grey cloth of leadership, and anointed his feet with laser toner of the very best quality.
  12. And they sung a song in his honour:
  13. Hail to the chief!
  14. For his name is Del Yoc-am.
    If you hear some wise words brief
    ‘Twas surely he who spoke ‘em.

The acts of Yoc-am

  1. So it was that Del Yoc-am reigned over the Borland-ites. And he reigned for three score weeks and ten. And in this time he restrained himself from buying up software houses, excepting the odd small one which counteth not, and did not release any utter boners, although JBuilder 1 was perhaps one which they will be keeping a little quiet about in years to come, and grew no hedges in the shape of an ancient monument of Wilt-shire, as far as we know.
  2. And Yoc-am made Enterprise versions, which art not so very dissimilar from ordinary versions, except that they hath a little sticker upon the box, and they cost one hundred-fold more. For Yoc-am reasoned thus: if we manage to sell a couple of these, we can pay off the mortgage.
  3. And Yoc-am engaged with Mic-rosoftees of the north, and parleyed with them, and made them promise to stop eating the programmers of the Borland-ites.
  4. And the Nasdaq looked down upon the labours of Yoc-am, and saw that they were not too bad, and the price of the stock of the Borland-ites, which had been on the floor, crept upward a little.
  5. And the morale of the Borland-ites improved.
  6. But Yoc-am became sore troubled in his heart. For he noticed that whenever he made a pitch to the Corporates, they did snigger unto him saying: How art the hedges, O Borland-ite?
  7. And when he heard this, Yoc-am waxed full of wrath. And he determined to do something about it.
  8. So one day, Yoc-am called the sons of Kahn unto him, and he said: I have a great idea that will fix this hedge thing. Lets change our name.
  9. And the sons of Kahn said unto him: No, that is a silly idea. Lets not.
  10. And Yoc-am replied saying: Too late. I have already ordered the stationery, and the press are coming round in ten minutes.
  11. And the sons of Kahn spake, saying: Oh. And what are we to be called?
  12. And Yoc-am said unto them: Inprise.
  13. And the sons of Kahn gasped, saying: What?
  14. And Yoc-am said unto them: Sorry. I actually meant to call us ‘Enterprise’, but it was a bad line and the lady was a bit deaf, and I think I may have been a bit tipsy.
  15. And the sons of Kahn cried out unto him saying: You utter burke.
  16. And the Inprise-Ites that had been Borland-ites did lament a loud lament:
  17. O woe! Tears fill our eyes
    It seems for sure that folk’ll
    Just laugh at our Inprise.
    Del Yoc-am is an anagram of Mad Yokel
    Nearly.

The consequences

  1. And when the Mic-rosoftees of the north heard what had happened, how they did laugh. They laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they laughed.
  2. And they laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they laughed and they [that’s enough laughing - Ed].
  3. Then there came forth from the tribe of the Until-Recently-Borland-ites a techie. And the techie’s name was Char Leecalvert.
  4. And Char Leecalvert went unto to the mountain top called Inter-net, and spoke brave words unto the world, saying: it doth not matter, Borland-ite is but only a name, like any other; by all means have a giggle at our marketing people - they hath always been dodgey anyway - but our technology is still cool.
  5. But friends of the Inprise-Ites that had been Borland-ites once more had cause to remember the wisdom of the great prophet M’andee-rice Davis. And such men were again sore afraid for the sons of Kahn.

 


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