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Where No CEO Has Gone Before

Captain's Blog, backdate -314728.2: If Schwartz can do this, I can do this. But what to blog about? Must be something truly awesome. What happened today? I hired a new area associate, Charlotte O'Hara. Totally not awesome. Maybe a daily zen koan. Needs more thought.

O'Hara: Captain, I'm picking up a distress call from Jerry Yang.

Captain: Engineering, what's the report on Macbook Air performance in the field?

Cook: Captain, the wimpy little thing doesna ha' the power. We're bein' murthered on the GCD Loop benchmark. The developer community is revolting.

Captain: I've always thought so.

Captain's Blog, backdate 43125.8: This morning, went up to Saratoga; my horse won (naturally). Later, flew the Lear jet to Nova Scotia to see sun eclipsed (totally). Quiet dinner at home tonight with underworld spy (fugu sashimi, durian from Dubai). I'm getting the hang of this now, I think.

O'Hara: Captain, I have orders from SEC Command. We are to report immediately to the nearest field office to be audited.

Captain: Navigator, plot a course for WWDC.

Schiller: Already done, Keptin. But if ve don't have a 3G iPhone to demo at the conference, ve'd better not even show up.

Captain: Whatever. These smartphone deadheads just don't get the Think Different mantra.

Captain's Blog, backdate 1513.8: Wrong kind of grapefruit at breakfast. I am surrounded by bozos. Parked in handicapped spot again. I had cancer, I'm entitled. My daughter did something cute today, but what it was is none of your business. Respect my family's privacy, or I'll have you kneecapped.

O'Hara: Captain, I've established contact with Paul McCartney.

Captain: Helmsman, what's with all these security updates to OS X? I thought I explained to you that I can repel viruses by my personal magnetism.

Serlet: Affirmative, Captain. But I'm having trouble holding the ship on course. There appears to be an equally powerful forcefield counteracting your own.

Captain: Source, Mr. Serlet?

Serlet: Indications are that it's the Google vibe, sir.

Captain: Engineering, migrate all the functions of the operating system into Safari and stealth-install it on all computers. Especially PCs.

Cook: Aye, Captain, but it'll take all the resources we've got.

Captain: Just do it, Cooky.

Captain's Blog, backdate 42: Too negative yesterday. This is harder than I thought. Maybe get Larry to guest-blog. Curious that he isn't blogging already, now that I think about it. Anybody who names his company Oracle...

O'Hara: Captain, I'm picking up strange sonic readings from someone named Woz.

Cook: Captain, I dinno if the engineers can take the pressure. Our iPhones are bein' pwned right and left, Preston Gralla of Computerworld says Vista is better than OS X, the economy's in the crapper, the iPod market is starting to flatten—

Captain: Get hold of yourself, man. I'll take care of it. Legal.

Cooperman: Yes, Captain?

Captain: Sue New York City.

Cooperman: Yes, Captain.

Captain: That ought to distract the press sufficiently while I direct my forcefield to the problem areas.

Captain's Blog, backdate MMVIII.VI.I: Advice: Trust your gut. Don't settle. Stay hungry. Stay foolish. And if you have to write a blog every day, steal from your old speeches. This is getting to be a pain in the butt.

O'Hara: Captain, we're being hailed by Adobe. I have a report from the transporter room. I'm picking up Sony on the Twitter band. I'm getting indications of a Tivo presence. I'm getting some feedback in the subspace upper registers.

Captain: Ive, give O'Hara some tranquilizers. She's getting on my nerves.

Ive: Dammit, Captain, I'm an artist, not a doctor.

Captain: So you want me to draw you a picture? Chill her.

Captain's Blog, backdate 12:00:00: Apparently there's some bozo blogging under the name Fake Captain Jobs. Must check with legal and see if we can have him kneecapped.

O'Hara (slurring her words, apparently drunk): Cap'n, I'm picking up a Microsoft transmission.

Captain: Put it on screen.

Microsoftian: tlhIngan maH! Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam!

Captain: Translation, Gore.

Gore: It appears to be in Dotnet, an obscure language of a primitive people of the Pacific Northwest. A rough translation would be, 'Sell off MSN and put everything in the breadfruit market.'

Captain: That makes no sense.

Gore: On the contrary, Captain. It is perfectly logical. At the present rate of global warming, Seattle will be a tropical paradise in precisely eight point five Earth years.

Captain: Interesting. We're almost out of breadfruit in the cafeteria.

Captain's Blog, backdate 12:00:00, supplemental: Just read Fake Captain Jobs blog. He's not actually brain dead. Maybe I'll have him write this thing from now on.

Michael Swaine


[email protected]

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