The demo of my rival has crashed
And I am pleased.
Dramatically and publicly it has crashed
In the presence of not only our usual contact at the Customer
But also their senior IT representative
From Head Office in Milton Keynes
Whose bless'd hand was on the mouse
When the application suddenly froze.
As did the smile on the face of my rival
And sweat trickled visibly down his temples
Glinting in the bright white light of the OHP
Which was projecting his stupidity four feet across
Onto the screen at the back of our boardroom.
The app of my enemy has bombed
And I am thrilled.
Completely and utterly it has bombed
No mere lockup or access violation
But a full ripe glorious Blue Screen of Death
On NT4 Workstation SP3.
And mirabilis dictu something I had not even dared hope for
I hear that the crash damaged The Live Database itself.
(They are dumping the transaction log
In an effort to sort it out.)
So even the gnomic DBA subcontractor
Formerly a slavish ally of my enemy
Now mutters dark curses.
How little avails my rival now
His innovative use of RAD techniques and
His clever n-tier design
Which spreads the burden of process across three platforms.
(How well the burden of the corpse of his demo
Is spread across three platforms!)
How much more enjoyable in retrospect
His little homilies on the necessity
Of having in-depth Unix expertise
Before undertaking a complex design like this
Which (he said) I would find
Relied on concepts not present in toy operating systems.
So slosh in the gin and give the tonic to the thirsty spider plant!
Ring out wild modems!
Build a celebratory bonfire of toner cartridges!
The Germans have made a term for it
But schadenfreude is too small and mean a word
To contain my malicious ecstasy.
All the better if because of this incident
The contract is cancelled
And the company goes bust
And we get the sack
And the directors’ lives are ruined
And England loses the World Cup!
For the demo of my enemy has gone West
And I am pleased.
Variation on a Village People song
(Best read while playing a video of a dance troupe of hard-hatted Microsoftees on your mental television.)
Young man, wipe that smile off your face
I said
Young man, get into that KnowledgeBase
I said
You know that there’s code to be cut
There’s no room on board for drifters.
You say the APIs are obtuse
I said
Young man, that’s a feeble excuse
I said
You know where the answers are kept
So come on and join the party.
Bosh Bosh Bosh Bosh Bong
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You get Windows NT for France and Japan
Updated in a quarterly plan!
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You get the SDKs and the DDKs too
It’s all there for me and for you!
Young man, I see the fear in your eyes
I said
Young man, best sub to Enterprise
I said
Young man, you’ll get Visual C
With all that way-out wizardry!
So young man, don’t take no stupid risk
You know
You should buy all those silver discs
Because
Those guys at Redmond are great
They just live to make your life fun!
Bosh Bosh Bosh Bosh Bong
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You get Windows NT for France and Japan
Updated in a quarterly plan!
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You’ve got to sub to the M. S. D. N.
You get the SDKs and the DDKs too
It’s all there for me and for you!
(Repeat and fade)
Backup is for punters
Monday’s tape is out of date,
Tuesday’s suffered unknown fate,
Wednesday’s tape caught in the rollers,
Thursday’s chewed by canine molars,
Jim took Friday you’ll remember,
Saturday vanished in September.
A Sabbath backup would be a freak –
But if we can’t find one, we’re up the creek.
The dog’s breakfast
The Boss asked
his PA, and
his PA asked
the Manager:
‘Can we have a printout
of the profit that we made?’
The Manager
said: ‘Certainly.
I’ll go and tell
the Programmer.
It’s his fault
the MIS
system is
delayed.’
The Programmer
said: ‘Bloody hell!
Who demanded
Oracle?
I won’t let
this pass
without
a big row!’
So they called
a big meeting –
everyone attended –
and for all I know
they’re still
sitting there
now.
State Occasion
The crowds are euphoric and boisterous,
There can be no doubt that they’re loyal.
As they cheer on the ecstatic couple:
It’s Popeye and fair Olive Oil.
Verity Stob wishes to apologise to Wendy Cope (‘Variation on a Lennon and McCartney song’), Anon (‘Monday’s child is fair of face’), A. A. Milne (‘The King’s Breakfast’) and Clive James (‘The book of my enemy has been remaindered’) whose ideas she has here ripped off shamelessly.
