'At least it won't make a mess on the carpet,' I laughed, as I caught my first glimpse of [Ed: Insert your choice of Cutesy Doggy Name here — I'm damned if I'm going to give it one - VS] ____ struggling to take its first trembling steps across the kitchen floor. I should explain that ____ is no ordinary dog, but is in fact the creation of the ingenious Japanese: this is their latest follow-up to the electronic egg thing that dies and the screensaver with the small sheep that pees. ____ is an AIBO, so-named because 'AIBO' is the Japanese word for [Select one: a) poodle b) pooch c) flat battery d) gullible round-eyes - VS].
'Oh, and isn't ____ sweet!' I chuckled as it knocked over the fliptop bin for the third time, amusingly scattering rotten food all over the floor. 'I do so wish I could take it home.' Think of the money, Verity.
'I've got some good news for you,' said Charles, the impulsive, charming and slightly eccentric early-technology-adopting owner, who is certainly nothing to do with the PR company, oh no. 'I'm going on a business trip for a few days, and I need someone to dog-sit for me.'
'But surely if you are going away, it would make more sense to switch the mutt off?' I riposted sweetly.
'If I did that you would have some difficulty writing a fluffy and light-hearted yet serious article about ____,' he quipped lightly. 'Anyway, I'm not really going away — I've got too much organising to do. I've got lots of whimsical adventures and spontaneous Michael Palin-style meetings booked up for you. An interview with Roy Hattersley and Buster on Wednesday, and in the afternoon we'll meet the man who used to be backup voice of K9 in Dr Who. A heart-warming appearance at the Battersea Dogs' Home on Thursday with ITN's Cute Animal correspondent doing a semi-serious piece to camera climaxing with the solemnly intoned words "the difference is that ____ is here for a visit. The other dogs here are forever, victims of human wickedness. Unless you help." And a guest appearance on the Jerry Springer Pet Special (subject: My dog loves its own vomit) on Monday.'
'What about the techie side?' I asked. 'Can I cover some more technical details? After all this is supposed to be for a programmers' magazine.'
Charles charming smile dropped faster than average data throughput on a free ISP. 'You'd do much better to stick to what it says on the handout datasheet, Miss Stob. You'll find everything you need to know there.'
* * *
At the heart of ____ is some sort of computer processor, powered by electricity. Unlike most other dogs, its eyes are LEDs, it sees through his nose and it stores its RAM in a hole in its bottom. An internal speaker allows it to make a wide selection of dog-like noises, such as electronic bleeps and the Microsoft Sound wav file. Its 'coat' is not made of hair, but actually some sort of paint. Its legs have articulated joints, but they are not particularly powerful. For example ____ finds it impossible to move away if someone balances a three seater sofa on top of it.
* * *
'You're late!' screamed Charles as I pulled over at the kerb of the Famous Street With More Lamposts Than Any Other In The World. 'What the Fido do you think you are playing at? I've got both Peter Purves and John Noakes here, you can't keep artists of their calibre hanging around — my God, it's like another Beatles reunion — and we can't start because of a wretched cur... Where is he? Don't tell me you've lost him!'
'Here it is', I said, unclipping the bungies from my roof rack, and pulling away the plastic sheeting. 'I won't have dogs inside the car — it's just a little rule of mine.'
'My God!' said Charles again. 'What's happened to his lower jaw?'
'Came off in the pull strength test. It's all right, I picked up the pieces and put them in a carrier bag. I've got it on the back seat, you can have it now if you like.'
'And what's that filth on ____'s legs?' It was true that ____ had picked up what looked like the debris of a conventional canine, probably when I dragged it through the park at 25mph tied to my rear bumper as part of my 'walkies' test.
'It happens,' I said complacently.
* * *
Unlike most computers, and like a real dog, ____ responds to being touched — it has a special touchpad on top of its head which allows one to stroke it. Apparently, if one strokes it on this pad when it has done something good or amusing, the software is sufficiently sophisticated to reinforce the behaviour that immediately preceded the event. This is supposed to be very rewarding and enjoyable aspect of owning an AIBO, but I have no idea whether this part of the design works, as I didn't get around to testing it. Another behaviour which I have read about is that the robot is supposed to get lonely if left by itself all night, and will stumble into your bedroom at 2am, touch your hand affectionately with its little metal nose and whine until it is petted. Again, I am unable to confirm this as, forewarned of this behaviour, the one night I had it I kept it locked up in the boot of my car.
* * *
'Not much of a swimmer, is it?' I was back outside Charles' offices, with ____'s remains in a cardboard box, which I thrust into his arms.
'My God you are a sadistic bitch!' He poked around in the box with his finger. 'Not even Rolf Harris will be able to put this right. What have you been doing to ____? What has happened to the poor little creature?'
Given such an opening, how could I resist using one of my favourite lines in the English language?
'The dog it was that died,' I said.
